Bugger

Who remembers those before-and-after mugshots of meth-heads that circulated around the intergiggle about a year ago? You know the ones, where mediocre people morphed into sallow cheeked ballistics gel models of their former selves. They stare bleakly into the middle distance, noses heading south, eyes more flatmates than friends.

Well, today I got a my drivers licence renewed. Imagine my surprise when the machine spat out my new card and I discovered that I too, had turned into a meth addict. Because every single time I get a new licence I think, well, the photo CAN'T be any worse than last time.

My last licence picture was so horrendous I only paid for one year, so I could have another crack at it when things improved. I'm blaming pregnancy. In the photo, my left eye is playing nicely but the right seems to have spotted something which may or may not be Cheezels. My hair, unbound from my huge sunglasses (forbidden in the picture) lunges out of the side of the picture like a grotesque fifth limb. I'm not making any bones about this, I'm as vain as fuck, and the idea that this picture could possibly accompany the by-line: "South Coast woman missing in supermarket carpark" was too much. After all, you want the search party to keep looking.

So this year, I thought things might improve. I sat still, looked where they wanted me to, and SNAP! there I am, third left from the bearded lady.